Just liked this:

FRIENDS: 
1.When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
3. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid. 
4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 
6. When you are confused, I will use little words. 
7. When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass and then think about helping your dumbass up.